She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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