In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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