But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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