Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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