toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
