mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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