I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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