apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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