Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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