dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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