It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
