quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
