I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
