Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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