i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
