When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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