i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
