I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
