ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
