Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
