My first STD was from a foam party
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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