did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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