so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
