My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
