I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We're too hungover to prance.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
