I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
