the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We left the knife in your bed.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
