Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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