oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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