oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She's the barista slut.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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