OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
