Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
