he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
