Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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