I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
