i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
