God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the day after is always just damage control
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
