I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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