I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
