I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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