god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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