The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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