I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
