Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize