I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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