I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
