Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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