We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
