Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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