Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
