Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
