You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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