nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
