my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
