my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
