Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
