My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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