His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
