Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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